I hate surprises.

I do, I hate surprises. I guess because usually the surprises are crappy ones. The car breaks down, someone is sick, something gets canceled, someone gets hurt, something costs money that I don't have to spend. But sometimes, once in a rare while, I really long for a good surprise.

This weekend was supposed to be momentous. This weekend... two days from now... was supposed to be the beginning of a whole new chapter of life. And... surprise! Not gonna happen. I don't know yet if it's canceled or delayed, and I thought it might fall apart at the last minute so I tried so hard not to get excited... but what I wouldn't have given to have been pleasantly surprised by having things work out the way I wanted them to just one time.

This isn't the first time this particular thing has fallen apart... many, many times it has evaporated at the last minute. A day before, two days before, a week before. I think this is the fourth or fifth time I've had this disappointed, down-in-my-core sadness that I'm struggling with right this second. And, I mean, I guess I wasn't really ready for things to fall into place. I focused too much on not being disappointed (which didn't work) and maybe I wasn't even ready. But every time things vanish like this I am forced to ask myself if at some point I'm just supposed to give up. At what point is it better to stop expecting something to happen and just accept that life dealt you a different hand? What is the Universe trying to tell me by letting everything fall apart again... maybe it's just not meant to be? Or maybe that particular path is meant for someone other than me.